We have met the enemy — and it is the meeting

This January, Shopify mandated a reduction of employee time spent in meetings, and has already cut the average meeting time by one-third. It expects some teams’ productivity to increase by 25 percent by the end of the year.

The Harvard Business Review article noted that over-meeting, like over-eating, is unhealthy as well as wasteful: “Ineffective meetings that waste our time can negatively impact psychological, physical, and mental well-being.”

We have all experienced Meeting Misuse Malaise, that mind-numbing feeling that creeps into our brains when a conference drags on far past its useful life span, wandering aimlessly from the relevant topic and into murky rabbit holes.

Through the magic of newsprint, we take you now to a meeting of the board of directors of Waukegan Breadbox Inc., where the chairman has just called the meeting to order …

Chair Elbert Forelock: “Good morning. We have two agenda items, so this meeting should be short and sweet. CFO Angina Tremble will be presenting our quarterly earnings projection, then we will vote on the election of a new board member. Angina, please summarize your projection.”

Angina: “Thank you, Elbert. Based on our numbers through March, and taking into account the potential impact of February’s freak tornado, we think —”

Board member Alfonse Snott: “Hoo-wee! That twister picked up my hen house and dropped it in a whole ’nuther county! We’re askin’ FEMA to replace the structure and buy us some new hens, which we really needed anyway ’cause the old ones had stopped layin’ and we wanted to switch to blue eggs. Ya know, I could sell blue eggs at twice the price of —”

Elbert: “We feel your pain, Alfonse, but let’s hold the weather report until after the meeting adjourns, for those who want to stay.”

Board member Elegy Forelock, Elbert’s wife: “Yes, please. Let’s stay on point. In fact, I move that we postpone the money talk and go straight to the election of our dear daughter, Felicity Forelock, as a member of the board. That way she can leave in time to get to her fine arts class at Waukegan Lutheran Business College.”

Board member Dick Trudge: “Hear, hear! We need a succession plan. Little Felicity represents the future of Waukegan Breadbox.”

Angina: “Well, Elegy, I don’t think changing the agenda is ‘staying on point,’ and my presentation will only take five minutes, give or take an hour.”

Alfonse: “Yessiree, that twister pinpointed on my hen house, jumped over to Millard Street and took out the Sanitary District’s office and sewer pumps. Ya might say it really hit the fan.”

Elbert: “Please, everyone, let’s focus or we’ll be here all day.”

The meeting adjourned at 5:30 p.m., with no action taken.

Louie@coastsidenewsgroup.com says, “We have to stop meeting like this.”