It has come to my attention that there is a presidential election this year. It could hardly have been timed more poorly, what with the baseball season all but canceled, football in doubt, the Olympics postponed, and graduations happening, if at all, drive-in movie style.
News reporters and other geeks become fixated in the quadrennial elections, doting on each wonky bit of policy that droppeth from the tongues of minor political figures, such as first-term Congressbeings and vice presidents. But, for many, the election has taken a back seat to more immediate concerns, neatly summed up by the Bee Gees as “Stayin’ Alive.”
That’s also how elections get decided, by jingles. “I Like Ike,” President Eisenhower’s terse campaign button, didn’t focus on his pivotal role in winning World War II or other heavy topics. It just portrayed him as likable, or as we’d say today, relatable.
This year our choices for the highest office in the land have dwindled down to Donald John Trump Jr. and Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., two men in their mid-70s whose parents weren’t original when it came to names. Trump is the oldest U.S. president ever inaugurated. Ike was first inaugurated at age 62. JFK, at 43, was the youngest elected president. (Teddy Roosevelt was younger but succeeded slain President Willliam McKinley.)
How will these two septuagenarians make themselves relatable to voters half their age? As a professional unpaid humor columnist, I offer the candidates, free of charge, the following bumper-sticker slogans:
Trump: Putin Lite
2020: Perfect Vision, Perfect President
Trump: Double-down on Thrills
The Donald: Don’t Bet Against Me
Remember Hillary’s Emails
Just Impeached, Not Convicted!
Trump: What Will I Say Next?
Re-Elect Trump. Or Else.
Join the Bubble
For Mr. Biden:
Biden: Obama Lite
Biden: His Time
Nutty Uncle Joe: Not Certifiable
Joe: Best Teeth Ever
Biden: Will Cry for Votes
Put a Doctor in the House (Jill)
A Gaffe Machine? We Could Use a Laugh
Want a Free Press? He’ll Give You One
Is He Tough? Ask Bin-Laden
Biden: What Will I Say Next?
Joe: Has Read a Bible
As I said, this advice is free, and probably worth the cost.
Let’s hope that our ongoing health, economic, and societal concerns don’t deter eligible people from registering to vote and actually voting for the candidate of their choice. If anything, those concerns should prompt us all to cast our ballots.
firstname.lastname@example.org celebrates his 66th birthday today, and thinks 66 is the new 65.