The peripatetic Philadelphia Athletics are on the move

Las Vegas doesn’t have a Major League-worthy stadium. One is planned to open for the 2027 season at a projected cost of $1.5 billion, half of which will probably be needed for the air conditioner. 

Will it come in on budget? Hey, this is Vegas, Baby. Budget, schmudget! On time? You bet! Or else.

The as-yet-unnamed stadium is slated to rise at the former “Wild Wild West” site at the intersection of Tropicana Avenue and Dean Martin Drive (really), near Allegiant Field, the new football stadium where the San Francisco*-Oakland-Los Angeles-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders now play. If Fidelity Investments buys the naming rights to the new A’s park, newlyweds can swear their allegiance and fidelity in a solemn ceremony presided over by an Elvis impersonator.  

There may be other contenders in the name game. Caesar’s Palace is a natural. Imagine the food and beverage staff dressed in scanty togas, and the umpires calling the balls and strikes with thumbs up or down. 

Baseball is somewhat gladiatorial already. During the increasingly lengthy TV timeouts throughout baseball, the Vegas A’s could entertain and merchandize with rubber-sword battles:

Gluteus Maximus: “Do you dare to fight me, Marcus Dorcus? Nay, for you are a coward!”

Dorcus: “You call me ‘coward’? Prepare to die!”

(Dorcus takes a mighty swing, barely missing Maximus’ face.)

Maximus: “That was a close shave, but not as close as the ones I get from my Norelco rotary shaver!”

(They are chased off the field by the Athletics’ new mascot, Hercules.)

Hercules: “Let the game resume!”

Caesar himself might have a role in the theatrics, popping out like a cuckoo during the seventh inning stretch to lead the crowd in singing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” No appearance in the arena by a dagger-wielding Brutus, though, except in preseason games on March 15.

Las Vegas honors money more than historical drama, so the field’s name will probably go to a financial institution, as 40 percent of major league ballparks already have. 

Some banks would do well to change their names — I did not made these up — if they want their labels alongside the likes of Ruth, Aaron, Mays, or Clemente. With one dyslexic slip, Rabobank becomes “Rob-a-bank,” not the desired messaging.

Fifth Third Bank begs the enduring question, “Who’s on first?” Old Second Bank’s proud name combines two unflattering words in a sporting context. Amegy Bank would doubtless be called “Apathy Bank” during a losing season.

If the A’s don’t catch on in Vegas, would Oakland take them back? I hope not. The fans in the East Bay deserve their own Major League team.

*The Raiders played their first season in San Francisco before settling in at Oakland. 

Louie@coastsidenewsgroup.com thinks Oakland should get a refund.