It’s time for Quip Tide to reveal what’s really on the minds of the presidential candidates, using the Science of Anagramology, as we have in five earlier presidential elections.
I use “Science” in the broadest, least accurate sense: a system that follows no rules but its own, can be repeated, produces no verifiable results, and sounds good. Rearranging the letters in candidates’ names may or may not be more revealing than watching their TV ads or listening to debates.
Twenty-plus candidates won’t fit into a 520-word column. If your favorite candidate is not mentioned today and stays in the race, we’ll get to him/her eventually. The anagrams are in parentheses, by the way.
Joe Biden. Like many retirees, Joe Biden (I need job) is considering returning to work. Joe has taken more than his share of debate abuse (jibed one), and in seeking supporters (be joined) has begun responding in kind (jibe node).
Elizabeth Warren. Sen. Warren’s name is an anagramist’s gold mine. She doesn’t mince words, and will sharpen her attacks in coming months (able winter hazer), which few can match (welter her banzai). She does not admire the rich (wealthier brazen), and has a knack for enraging her detractors (hater enabler wiz), who think she’s nuts (we blather zanier). In the end, will her staunch positions prevail? (the brawnier zeal)
If his anagrams are accurate, Bernie Sanders has a surprising nudist proclivity in eateries and sci-fi conventions (diner bareness) (I nerd bareness), conjuring up mental images I’d prefer to avoid. He scoffs at wealth (sneers in bread) and self-professed geniuses (sneered brains). He would outlaw Santa’s sleigh (bans reindeers), but is otherwise a placid guy (is serene brand).
Beto O’Rourke. Beto generates surprisingly few anagrams, most of which don’t seem to apply, but two of which can be combined (Eek! Our robot took our beer!). He gets off easy.
Bill De Blasio will advance some odd proposals (Label Libidos!), but if he’s ever arrested he won’t be in jail very long (Bill does bail).
Kamala Harris gained fame skewering witnesses testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Her cross-examination “Aha” moments (Aha marks liar) (Karma has liar) were dramatic, but she’ll have to avoid fibbing, too (has a liar mark). Her prosecutorial style and sudden fame make her a double threat (malaria shark).
Cory Booker suffers from a dearth of anagrams, though he does have an unfortunate one (cooky borer)
With just one pseudo-Republican Czarist in the race, it’s not possible to give equal time. We hope Donald Trump (dump lard ton) (punt damn lord) (dump old rant) (old Mr. Nutpad) won’t mind.
firstname.lastname@example.org (imbecile wove humor) hopes he has better luck with Pete Buttigieg (But, gee, I get tip!)