Major League Baseball players have something most of us wage slaves don’t: professional announcers broadcasting their personal stats. 

What if avid fans followed professionals’ exploits in walks of life other than sports? Through the magic of newsprint, we take you to the semifinals of the Public Accountants Institute National Society, where members of the Final Four accounting firms face off in a battle that will decide who will take home the coveted Golden Abacus. The sold-out event is emceed by the Voice of PAINS, Hegbert “Hedge” Debbit, with color commentary by beloved three-time champion from the 1990s, Mathilda “Mathie” Scribble.

Hedge: “Welcome to Tulsa, and the 97th annual PAINS Championship. I’m your host, Hedge Debbit, and with me as always is the one asset you can’t sell short, our own Mathie Scribble.”

Mathie: “Thanks, Hedge, and I like that modest pencil-thin mustache!”

Hedge: “And you look very sensible today, too. But time is money so let’s get right to our contestant, Ernest Yung from the firm of Wobble & Teeter, Chartered.”

Mathie: “As Yung approaches the desk he cracks his knuckles, awaiting the starting bell. Yung stands 5 feet, 4 inches. He weighs in at 273 pounds. He was a poor college student, graduating with a cumulative GPA of 2.1117.”

Hedge: “That GPA would have been better if he hadn’t been distracted by those two arrests, the DUI and the indecent exposure.”

Mathie: “Too true, Hedge. To be fair, he was only convicted for one of those, and it wasn’t the one with the car. He had a great stretch in 2009 and 2010. None of his clients whose returns for those years got audited owed the IRS anything. But after that ethics charge in 2011, Yung bounced around from firm to firm, eventually landing at Wobble & Teeter in 2016.”

Hedge: “He seems to be back in competition shape.”

Mathie: “Let’s hope so for Wobble & Teeter’s sake. If Yung gets a perfect score on this round they’ll edge rivals at Snidely & Evader, and will advance to the final round.”

Hedge: “And there’s the starting bell! Yung’s a fast worker. With his pornographic memory …”

Mathie: “You mean ‘photographic’ memory, don’t you?”

Hedge: “Both may be true, but he’s got a fine memory and as he flashes through reams of receipts he can organize them by category and feed them into the electronic tax return. He’s amazing!”

Mathie: “He’s done, and our tax computer shows that he’s made no mistakes. He just needs to check his work, hit ‘Send,’ and he’ll be the winner.”

Hedge: “He’s smiling. He’s cracking his knuckles. He reaches for the keyboard. But wait! He’s knocked over his coffee cup! The keyboard’s gone haywire, inserting gibberish into the tax return!”

Mathie: “Pride goeth before the fall, as they say. Snidely & Evader advance to the finals!” reminds readers not to crack their knuckles. On Twitter: @louiecastoria

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