As the minutes of daylight slowly increase and the new year begins, Quip Tide annually doffs its Santa hat and dons its conical and comical wizard’s hat, bravely piercing the mists of time to predict events that will not happen in the new year. What will our crystal balls reveal?

In 22 years of practicing prophecy without a license Quip Tide has missed the mark exactly once, a record that would make Nostradamus green with envy if he could have foreseen it. (Novice!) That one fallacious forecast was in 2016, nuff said.

2020 is a leap year and thus also a Summer Olympics year, though Quip Tide predicts that the Games of Olympiad XXXII will not be held on Feb. XXIX. They will also not be held in ancient Rome, where the obsolete Roman numeral system originated. It is now primarily used only for modern Olympics, Super Bowls, episodes of self-important space dramas, movie credits’ copyright notices, certain British monarchs, and names for children of especially unimaginative parents.

But I digress.

Quip Tide predicts that the following events will not occur in 2020:

No one named Clinton will win the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination.

Puerto Rico will not become the 51st state in the Union, nor will Ukraine.

Ken Burns will not produce a 16-hour series for PBS named, “The Flintstones, a Retrospective.”

Nor will he produce “Marco Rubio, Giant of the Senate.”

West Virginia will not secede from the Union, change its name to Virginia Woolf, and reapply for admission.

Despite the temptation to follow the lead of the “Ocean’s” movies, United Artists will not debut a prequel to 1960’s “The Magnificent Seven” set in ancient Rome, titled “The Magnificent VIII.”

Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II will not rebel against the anachronistic overuse of Roman numerals by changing her name to Queen Elizabeth2.

“Saturday Night Live” will not air its final episode.

President Donald Trump will not be sworn in for a second term.

Though doing a fair reprise of Robin Williams’ Genie in the semi-live action version of “Aladdin,” Will Smith will not star in a reboot of “Mrs. Doubtfire.”

Nor will Disney debut a live-action version of “Steamboat Willie.”

The American Bar Association will not forbid its members from moonlighting as unpaid humor columnists, despite the mounting evidence that it should.

Despite Sir Patrick Stewart returning to the small screen in “Picard,” Whoopi Goldberg will not insist on starring in a spin-off, “Guinan.”

There you have it, straight from the horse’s … um, “mouth,” certified predictions of things to not happen in 2020. These predictions are guaranteed to be accurate, and if any one of them proves to be “fake prophecy” Quip Tide will refund its nonexistent salary from the Review. You can rely on it!  wishes Quip Tide’s reader(s) a healthy and prosperous new year.

Recommended for you

Load comments