Every new year Quip Tide delves deep into its crystal ball and predicts the events that will not happen before the next New Year’s Day.

Before foretelling 2022’s non-events, let’s pronounce the new year the way it will usually be said, as it is in the headline. “Two Thousand Twenty-Two” is just too-too. Twenty-Two Twenty-Two will be the next year that will be spelled with each word beginning with “tw.” Remember to mark your calendars.

In 24 years, Quip Tide published only one prediction that went awry: that President Trump would not be elected to that office. In my defense, I was not alone among journalists to make that prediction. In a backward way (not unusual for me), I was right. I had also predicted, eight years earlier, that Hillary Clinton would never be elected president. As the two predictions could not both be correct, I like to think that I was only half-wrong.

But I digress. Here are the Official Quip Tide pronouncements for 2022, however you pronounce it:

-California will not secede from the Union, despite the governor repeatedly calling it a “nation-state,” and “the world’s fifth largest economy.” Hubris is one thing, secession is another. Maybe our hubris balances out “the Empire State” back East, an unfortunate nickname after “Star Wars,” though it doesn’t have a Governor Palpatine.

-Andrew Cuomo will not move to New Jersey and be elected its governor.

-Nor Texas, either.

-When the ballots are all counted in the 2022 midterm elections, no druid will join Congress.

-The year will not end without at least one Ryan Reynolds movie being released.

-Same for Jennifer Lawrence, Maggie Smith and Helen Mirren.

-(Spoiler alert!) 2022 will not end without Robert Downey Jr. appearing in a new movie as Tony Stark, despite the character’s death in “Endgame.”

-A single-payer universal health act will not become law in 2022.

-Despite the plethora of televised cooking shows and contests, there will not be a new syndicated one, “The McDonald’s, Burger King, Jack-In-The-Box, Wendy’s Spokespersons Steel Cage Death Match.”

-Skunks will not replace dogs as Man’s Best Friends.

-We will not be fully prepared for all the natural disasters in 2022.

-Driverless vehicles will not be able to gas-up or get a recharge without human assistance. (Yet.)

-Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Sir Richard Branson will not jointly launch a faster-than-light space vehicle and name it “Neener Neener, Einstein!”

-Your local CVS Pharmacy will not stop printing ridiculously long receipts.

-All doctors will not start telling patients, “Oh, just call me Mr./Ms.”

-All lawyers will not drop the “Esq.”

-All elected politicians will not live up to “The Honorable.”

-Quip Tide will not stop making stuff up.

We have become accustomed to living in an unpredictable world over the last two years, but we can rely on some things not happening in the New Year. Maybe that’s why it’s Happy.

Louie@coastsidenewsgroup.com hopes your Twenty-Twenty-Two is off to a good start.

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