Cartoon characters live forever, even the villains last seen falling into bottomless chasms, getting skewered by a ship’s prow, or being eaten (in silhouette only) by ravenous hyenas. Their stories don’t end with the voice-actors’ credits.
Disney, proprietor of media as diverse as “Frozen,” “Star Wars,” Marvel, and National Geographic, is always rummaging around in Mickey’s vault for “classics” to be re-cast in live action. Some of the worst Disney villains make the best show stoppers. Without Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty would be a snorer. Without the evil Queen/Witch, Snow White would be a documentary about diminutive hillbillies.
Ever inventive, or at least derivative, the Mouse is offering a new streaming service, Disney Minus. Its flagship show borrows from “The View,” the estrogen-fueled daytime TV mainstay, now in its 26th season (as is QuipTide), and entitled “The Villains.” Let’s listen in ...
“ ... As I was saying, in every film it’s Prince Pufflepants or Prince Eggplant or some other phony prince jumping in just in the nick of time to save the princess, whose only real qualities are unblemished skin and chastity.”
“Yesss, exactly, Hook,” Maleficent agreed, currently in her fire-breathing dragon persona. She often appears that way to get more screen time. “What do they ssssee in those airheadsss?”
“And the lame ways they undo our devious schemes and curses,” said the Queen/Witch, her prominent nose wart turning red. “If I have to hear about ‘true love’s first kiss’ one more time I’ll puke.”
Gaston snorted. “You and your fancy potions and spells! Even with them you still get defeated. I go mano-a-mano with horrid beasts, with only my courage and hidden knife to protect!”
“Oh, stuff it,” said Ursula. “We’ve heard it all before: (singing in a mocking voice) ‘No one brags like Gaston, scallywags like Gaston, none more easily makes us all gag like Gaston.’”
The room erupted in laughter, except for “exceptional” Gaston. “You’ll pay for that, sea witch.”
“Rrrrowl,” Scar grumbled. “Listen to us. Squabbling at ourselves when the real enemies are laughing. We should pool our resources and pick the royals and heroes off, one at a time. All we need is leadership and being prepared when the opportunity strikes.”
“No way,” said Gaston. “I work alone.”
“It’d never work,” Cruella De Vil chimed in. “Besides, Scar, your mangy coat is a disgrace. No sense of style at all.”
“I suppose you’d be the leader?” purred Shere Khan to Scar. “We tigers don’t bow to lions, especially ones too weak to be king.”
“There’s a reason I, James Bartholomew Hook, am called Captain Hook. I’m the only one here with military training. If anyone should be the leader, it is I,” he declared, and with a slight bow doffed his plumed hat.
Jafar rapped his snake-headed staff on the floor. “I wasn’t aware that piracy was among the branches of military service, Pirate Captain Hook.”
“Enough!” a high-pitched voice squeaked. I’m the leader of the club that’s made for you and me!”
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