(This “classic” QuipTide column has been updated since its first publication in 2020.)
It keeps getting harder to converse in the modern office, despite, or perhaps thanks to, the ubiquity of e-mails, text messages and 110 other ways to interrupt actual communication.
Team meetings bring out the worst in execu-speak, gobbledegook, and meaningless sayings. Here’s a verbatim transcript of a recent meeting that I attended, except that I made the whole thing up:
Boss: “... and as we enter the First Quarter, we have to keep our eyes on the goal line, our heads down and our ears to the ground. Any questions?”
Ed: “Isn’t that physically impossible?”
Jennifer: “He’s speaking metaphysically or something.”
Boss: “Hey, people, let’s not get tripped up on words. All I’m saying is that it is what it is. OK?”
Bob: “What is?”
Boss: “It’s just a saying. ‘It is what it is.’ That’s obvious, isn’t it? If it wasn’t what it is, it wouldn’t be it, would it? My point is that we all know what we’ve got to do, so let’s do it. You’re willing to do that, aren’t you, Mike?”
Mike: “Whatever.”
Louise: “Is that, like, ‘whatever’ as in ‘uh-huh,’ or ‘whatever’ as in ‘nuh-uh’?”
Mike: “Whatever. Like he said, it is what it is.”
Bob: “Yeah, I know exactly what you’re saying. Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.”
Jennifer: “What bear?”
Bob: “You know how it is. We all win some we should lose and lose some we should win.”
Tina: “Win some bears? I won a teddy bear at the fair once.”
Don: “Me, too. I threw darts and popped the most balloons. That’s sort of what you’re talking about, right? Who can pop the most balloons?”
Boss: “I think we’re getting away from the point. There’s a goal line. With me so far? And we’ve gotta reach it. It’s all about performance, metrics, yadda, yadda, yadda, quack, quack, quack.”
Tim: “Is ‘quack’ the same as ‘yadda’?”
Boss: “I think so. ‘Quack’ is just sort of shorthand for more ‘yaddas.’ All I’m saying is that you gotta do what you gotta do.”
Sally: “Do what?”
Boss: “It’s the thing. The thing we were talking about. The thing with the goal in the First Quarter. Quite frankly, I’m becoming more and more convinced that the thing with the goal in the First Quarter is reachable.”
Mike: “So, if we reach the thing’s goal in the First Quarter with enough yaddas and quacks, what do we do in the Second Quarter?”
Tina: “Mike raises a good question. After we reach the goal line do we kick for the extra point or do we go for the two-point conversion?”
Boss: “I guess it depends how close we are to the year-end goal.”
Bob: “But I thought you said we already met the goal.”
Boss: “That was the thing with the First Quarter goal. But there’s still the other quarters.”
Jennifer: “So, if we make the two-point conversion after we reach the goal line at the end of the First Quarter, do the two points count toward the Second Quarter?”
Boss: “Let’s table this until our next staff meeting, OK?”
Tina: “When do you want to meet again?”
Boss: “Some time in 2025.”
Louie@coastsidenewsgroup.com Castoria (Louie@HMBReview.com) lives south of Half Moon Bay with his wife, Susy, one dog, two cats, yadda, yadda. Quack.
(0) comments
Welcome to the discussion.
Log In
Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.